It requires us to dump everything on our mind. Then we become mindful.
Before the arrival to the Vipassana Meditation Center, Dhamma Dharā in Shelburne Falls, MA, I was informed that I must follow the Code of Discipline. I am never a good rule follower. It was not a great feeling when compelled to do so. Upon arrival, all my valuables, electronic items, and my phone, which was an extension of me to the outside world, must be surrendered.
Without my phone, I had no convenient accessible reference of weather, date, and time. The only thing controlled my time was the sound of a bell. It woke me up at 4:00 a.m.; it told me to take breakfast at 6:30 a.m.; it told me to get feed our last meal of the day at 11:00 a.m.; then it told me to take a tea break at 5:00 p.m.
The Code of Discipline required us to keep noble silence for straight nine days. There was no external contact with any human being other than with the course manager. Though her hours and availability must be respected. Among the students, conversation, handshake, or even eye contact were not allowed. For the first three days, I was mentally tormented. The internal conversation never stopped. Being disconnected from the outside world and without being constantly bombarded by phone calls, emails, text messages, facebook updates..., I heard myself all the time. That mean voice was constantly judging. It was harshly judging others, and was judging myself the same way how it judged others. It was a mortifying discovery that myself was the most unpleasant person to spend time with.
From the 4th day on, I started to get used to the quietness. There was no sound in my world other that the sound of running water in the shower, the birds chirping outside of my window, the footsteps in the hall way, then, of course, the bell, which was the only thing other than the clock in the dinning hall that told me what time it was in the day.
During this nine days, my future stopped. The only time I had was the moment of now. Every moment was occupied with my mind replaying my memory of past. I was amazed how was I able to stay functional with all these mental clutters and junk memories. Most importantly, how could I not be aware of the things that were obviously bothering me.
After days and hours castigating myself what I have done wrong and what could I do better in similar situations in the future, I no longer held myself responsible for any wrong doing of the past. I forgave myself for everything that I have or haven’t done intentionally or unintentionally to and for anyone with whom I had difficulties. From that moment on, I only experience warm feelings when I think of everyone.
Sometimes we must love and forgive our “noble friends,” people who misunderstood us and held judgments against us basing on the misperception of whom they think we are, or people who never cared to get to know who we really are, or wronged us for their benefits.
Lunch was the last meal that was served during our staying. At 5:00 p.m. we had one hour tea break. The only selections available were banana, apple, and orange. If we didn’t choose to take any of the fruits, then the next opportunity to be feed would be the next morning. I never really liked banana and always hated apple. In that situation, I picked all three, because I needed food for my tummy. I couldn’t help but relating my experience to life in general. Some times, we made bad decisions due to the lack of choices.
On the 10th day, I realized the purpose of surrendering all important items upon our arrival. It was symbolizing the surrender of what we thought of who we were and everything that related to what we identified of we who were. Surrendering our belongings, we were taken away all the attachments and were shedding away our titles, feeling of entitlement, and old identities that prohibiting our growth and personal development. Mindfulness is about selecting our thought carefully. Only when we are aware of them.